
Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson
Writers: Kelly Marcel (screenplay) E.L. James (novel)
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan
I spent £14 on a ticket to see 'Fifty Shades'. I now look back and think about all the things I could have spent £14 on... 14 mayo chickens at McDonalds, I could have topped up my oyster card by a whopping fourteen pounds, or, I could have brought a bottle of vodka to try and make me forget how dull and uninteresting this film is.
As a film enthusiast I don't like to be hyper critical, I try to find the positives, but Sam Taylor-Johnson's adaptation of E.L. James's global phenomenon, its sold over 100 million copies, makes it hard to find anything to cheer about. The soundtrack is the best thing about the film without a shadow of a doubt, that being said some of the specifically composed music is out of place and adds to the disjointed nature of the whole film.
The very least this particular film could do is entertain you, but it struggled to hold my attention after half an hour. The whole thing takes it self way too seriously, probably not helped by the rumours that E.L. James has, for some reason, taken absolute control over her 'precious' manuscript. The dialogue is so clunky it hurts. Every line is forced out and is either unbearably cringe worthy or makes you laugh out loud its so silly. For example "I don't make love... I fuck.. hard" or my personal favourite "I'm fifty shades of fucked up". It's not exactly Shakespeare.
Its an achievement in itself that the actors managed to do a single take of most scenes without bursting out laughing, maybe thats because the two leads supposedly were not the best of friends during filming, or so the rumour mill says. Jamie Dornan plays Christian Grey, the man without a penis, or so it seems. Theres not even a glimpse of Grey's manhood despite this being a film totally focused on dominant sex and what turns on this expressionless man. Despite the lack of a cock shot there's plenty of full frontal nudity from Anastasia Steele, played by the slightly watchable Dakota Johnson - who will definitely profit most from this picture. Hollywood sexism? I think so.
There are too many comically bad moments to mention them all, notably Grey and Steele's contract negotiations about what materials she can be tied up with, but the most ridiculous has to be when Grey butters up a piece of toast for Anastasia only to climb onto the bed, loom over her and 'seductively' take a bite out of it. I was struggling to contain myself with how ludicrous it was. You would think he could afford two pieces of toast considering he has a private helicopter and various other flying gadgets which we spend large parts of the film watching him fly for no apparent reason.
Apart from the obvious financial lure and a guaranteed global projection, I really wonder why any sane person would want to get involved in a project that involves so little class, technical ability and has so little meaning. Fifty shades is probably the worst film I've ever been to see at the cinema. I beg you not to go "just because everyone is talking about it" its not worth it in any way. Instead send my review to anyone thinking of going and hopefully they top up their oyster card instead...
Twitter: @josefkaplicky
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